I think my cactus is slowly dying. I mean, everything is slowly dying, but generally before one is visibly dying, he/she seems to be living. This cactus has looked brownish since we got it. I keep it in the window that gets the most light. It at least has a nice view. Plus, my office is not a bad room to be in, either. The cactus certainly doesn't have to worry about being bothered by animals in here -- not that it would have to worry about that, anyway.
I sit here, analyzing the past few days, which are definitely hazy -- although I do remember them. For instance, I am listening to LL Cool J right now, and I remember buying it; however, I still don't understand it. The NWA I understand a little better -- I have been wanting to buy that album for a while. I also bought Nouns by No Age earlier in the day yesterday, and that is definitely more my taste. I like branching out a little, though. Giving other things a chance. It's good to be open.
Getting older is interesting. Yesterday I didn't feel any different. Today I feel like a different person. I am ready to leave certain aspects of myself behind, move forward, towards the future. It is time for me to really buckle down and work towards something. This blog is a great part of that. I feel like the more I write in it, the better. It's great practice, anyway. I don't know if I will write in it everyday, but I will certainly try to write in it as often as possible.
Now that the party, a.k.a. my twenties, is over, I can work towards making a living. My way, of course, but certainly an adult pursuit. In my twenties I didn't count on a future. I just tried to live for the moment, and that worked for me for what I was going through. I feel like I am beyond that now. I feel like I can plan for the future, because I am living in the outskirts of it, and I need to focus on reaching the center. I have my first novel and companion stories to edit and get out to the work, I am in grad school, and I am also working as a manager at a restaurant.
I know I keep on talking about it -- but, hey, it's my blog, so deal with it -- but I am working a multifaceted plan to maximize my potential. I am buckling down and really hitting the books hard, doing as well as I can in my classes, networking and making connections, getting my professors' confidence, and getting a teaching assistantship. That will allow me to quit my job (actually, I will have to quit it) and focus more on my career path, both as a writer and as an instructor/professor. I am getting my MA in composition/rhetoric, as well as a TESL certificate and a literature certificate. If I decide to not go on and pursue a doctorate, I will be still qualified to teach at community colleges -- and other stuff.
I believe my writing is key, both fiction and essays. This blog can't hurt, either. I just have to keep up keeping up, which will be harder as the semester progresses, but easier once I reach a certain point with it.
Anyway, I feel like I can be more consciously concerned with the future. Maybe it won't turn out at all how I figure, but I feel like I have slightly more control over it. I am certainly not going to sit around and wait for things to happen. That almost never works.
I think the point is this. I have been dancing around it, but I feel like it is time. It is time to do less partying, and more schmoozing. It's nice to socialize and have fun with friends and family here and again, but I am through being so heavily reliant on certain substances. I want to retain some level of control over myself, and it is certainly harder when I am feeling "free", which is how I feel when I feel how I feel when I do what I do.
This isn't anything formal, but it is on the record. It is something I can hold myself to, but not something I have to so rigidly. It's not a court-order. It's not an ultimatum. It's more a goal. I am not going to say that I will never do it, because that is absurd and unrealistic, but I can certainly hold myself to not doing it very often. I am better than I used to be most of the time, but I aim to improve yet.
Don't call it a come back.