Rambling Nonsensical Post MCMXXXIII: Dead and Loving It Part Deux, Still Pretty Fucking Dead

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Might as well do another one. I mean, I'm on vacation, and I can't go anywhere, and I don't have a shortage of possible topics, so I suppose, let's do them shits.

I suppose there's probably one topic in particular that some folks would like to see addressed, but I hesitate for one reason and one reason alone. I just don't like eggnog.

Honestly, I am not sure how to talk about a topic that is already pretty well beat to death. Should I continue to take the more escapist route, though? Is that responsible of me? Do I need to be responsible? Can't I just play it safe, and do something unrelated but unquestionably still related, but more so as a subtext?

I mean, it's a subtext that no one can really escape at this point, anyways, so really, anything I write will somehow relate to it whether I want it to or not, even if the very nature of its relation is the unrelatedness of it... So I guess I might as well just discuss it.

It's amazing how something invisible to the eye can just change everyone's lives overnight, basically. It's no wonder that before science, people used to believe in magic. Hell, some people still do. It's amazing what ways the mind can twist itself to avoid the cold, hard naked truth, even if we're barreling our way towards a total systems collapse. Maybe.

I do hope everyone is staying as safe as possible given whatever circumstances they find themselves in. I do count myself as lucky. I mean, it's not really luck, because I did work hard to put myself here. Still, I did win the genetic lottery, to a large extent, being a cis-gender white male in the by-god greatest goddamn country anyone in the goddamn rest of the goddamn world has ever goddamn seen. Hoo-Rah!!!

However, when you're poor, if the virus doesn't kill you, then maybe poverty finally will. You finally run out of the means necessary to take care of yourself, or maybe your means doesn't necessarily fit the idea of what other people think it should, and then you get all persecuted and shit. But when you have no options, the only option is create your own options. Or die, I suppose.

Had this happened ten years ago, I would have been totally fucked financially immediately. Still, I did survive as a twenty-something with no college degrees or discernible skills during the 2008 recession in a big city with limited resources. However, that might to a large extent also go back to that thing that I mentioned a couple of paragraphs ago, and everything wasn't shut down then, either. It was just hard to find jobs outside of like fast food. Or "fast casual," as it so happened for me.

It was a weird time to be alive then too, but this is worse. Much weirder. Most people don't really even have the fast food option this time around. They're just stuck. Waiting to probably not die, but maybe die? The outcome of this we can't even begin to image yet, because we don't even know what next week is going to look like, at this point. That's the problem when you're trying to contain something that you don't fully understand. Sometimes it does stuff that seems like magic, that no one thought possible, but really it's just our ignorance of how it does the thing that is holding us back. I guess that's why it's important to get ahead of it--things could escalate very quickly.

Of course, it might not go that far or get too much worse than it is now. Hopefully not. I think as a society we have watched too many zombie and post-apocalyptic movies, but instead of preparing us for the possibility of a world-ending event, we have instead manifested it happening right before our eyes. I mean, the Spanish Flu didn't ring in the dawn of the end of humankind, and our understanding of viruses back then was much more remedial. I think, if anything, what's going to kill everyone this time around is not just straight ignorance, but something much worse: anti-intellectualism.

The powerful groups of obscenely wealthy people who control much of society can only shovel so much distrust of academia and learning, and the principles of enlightenment, for so long before the world around them just becomes a fucking Facebookcana American nightmare cesspool of sludge, while they hoard all of the resources and advancements for themselves. It might have finally bitten them in their asses, though. Not that they would admit that.

Oh hell, that last paragraph is going to get me put on some watchlists. I had better stop while I'm ahead. No need for any dissenters to rile up the masses. Don't want to get too crazy or they'll get all May 4, 1970 on us again. Tin Solders and Nitwits coming.

I'm just kidding **shrugs with a smirk and kicks the dirt**

Yay capitalism! **pumps fist in air**

Time for a new and more capitalism approved topic: Celebrity Worship!

I'm sad that Bill Withers died. I have had "Ain't No Sunshine" stuck in my head all day. Of course, he also wrote "Lean on Me," "Lovely Day" and "Just the Two of Us," and many more. What an amazing repertoire of songs--

No, this is not working. Damn. Sorry Bill. I do like your music, though. Might as well continue down the path that I have already created for myself... No reason to make any changes to the thing I can totally change, at this point, at a whim. It's really too bad. I guess whatever happens is just going to happen.

Le sigh...

The real reason the concept of staying home is hard for some is not sheer ignorance or arrogance, but it is because for them, there is little else to do but sit around all miserable like, hyperventilating and obsessing over their own mortality. Trust me, that's no fun.

That's why it's good and cathartic to use your imagination to make some kind of art, and pour those feelings into something that might actually, eventually, help others feel better too. Don't go out, get inward.

Or at least, you know, entertain and distract yourself for a little bit. Make yourself feel better.

And on that note, here's some Don Hertzfeldt to maybe inspire you or at least cheer you up while you wait this mothefucker out:

Rebirth: New Direction, or What I've Been Missing

One of the things that I have been thinking about the most lately is how I am going to continue to keep writing in my life, throughout my life. It's something I am fully committed to doing, and I have been looking for ways that I can maybe even make doing it the thing that I, well, do.

Then it hit me: it has been staring at me in the face the whole time. It is literally doing so now. That's right, I am talking about this blog. *cue inspirational music*

My inspirational music, by the way, happens to be Donovan's Greatest Hits on vinyl (which I bought here in Akron, at Time Traveler), what is yours? [Feel free to comment below. Also, for the record, I don't try to be a hipster, it just happens naturally.]

By Source, Fair use,
https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3309711.

Anyways, since I have gotten back into writing a new post almost every Saturday, I am feeling pretty good about what I have accomplished so far, and I am looking to build on that. This website I have steadily, with relatively few gaps, been putting my time and effort into for several years now, and it's time that I take it to the next level, so to speak.

To put it plainly, I have invested time and money into building it into what it is today, and I have no reason not to use the resources I have available, with maybe a small budget for advertising on Facebook, to really reach out and start building even more of an audience. I appreciate everyone who reads it now, I just want to multiple you without having to learn genetics.

So I will be writing more about my life, which people seem to like, as well as things going on in my community, and things happening culturally, and about music. I don't know what kind of blog you would consider it, but I have always maintained that it is it's own type of thing, and I wouldn't really adhere to a set of specifications, I would just write about what struck me at the spur of the moment and go with it.

I guess all things change, but like all good changes, this change came naturally by way of me changing--it happens to the best of us. I am in the process of setting a schedule and figuring out advertising and promotion, and the whole bit, so it will take some work on my part. Mainly, other than planning, I will sometimes have to do stuff during the week to prepare for the blogs, so I can't just sit on my ass in front of the TV anymore, but it will be worth the effort.

It's like that Talking Heads song [see above] about Bob and Judy starting a TV show and saving their marriage, only with words and pictures, and stuff, on a digital canvas and me, not so much saving my marriage, since that is fine, but doing something with my life worthwhile for me to do. Hopefully, others, or more others, rather, find it to be worthwhile, as well--there is only one way to find out.

See you on the other side!

A Rant

Why does it have to be so hard to find full-time employment? It would be one thing if I didn't have any prospects, but, the fact is, I have had some interest, have gone on some interviews, and still... Nothing. It's hard not to take it personally.

It's really difficult to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" when you are working hard and trying to make the right decisions and are still falling short somehow. It's hard to have faith in something that seems less and less likely as time progresses. It's hard to continue working hard when it just seems to be taking me back to the same place, over and over and over again. 

Am I just stuck being a mediocre teacher working part-time at three different schools just to barely make ends meet? Am I just always going to be poor and never able to pay all of my bills, save up any money, and purchase a house? 

I know I have probably said this before, but I believe it now more than ever: the American Dream is a lie; it always has been, and it always will be as long as the powers that be remain the same. When you are born into poverty, no matter how hard you work, only the outliers and the extremely lucky make it, and the rest of us will continue drowning, no matter what.

One can only be crushed by disappointment and shame so many times and keep going. One can only be rejected so many times before he just says "fuck it" and walks away.

Monomania

Job searching is... hard. And frustrating. There are many ways I could describe this process, but these seem the most fitting.

I supposed it wouldn't be as difficult if I had more direct professional experience in the area where I am trying to find employment, but, really, I am not getting very many responses, in general, so it really makes me second-guess myself and my skills, knowledge, and intelligence... Am I just truly not qualified for these jobs? Am I just destined to work whatever crappy job comes along? What the hell am I not doing that I need to do? What am I doing that I shouldn't be?

Sometimes I just think it's the system, and that it is set up against me, since I don't know anybody, and I didn't grow up anywhere particularly special. But maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe I am not trying hard enough, or maybe I need to focus my search in a different particular area.

But through all of my schooling, I have never been led to believe anything but that I am a capable, talented writer. I have always seemed to have a natural knack for it, and I have always been willing to put in the work to further develop my skills. I have never been discouraged away from writing--indeed, quite the opposite. Particularly in my journalism and my creative writing classes, but also in many of my English classes, and even by professors who have reputations at being tough, I have been encouraged to keep at it.  

Maybe I am just not patient. Maybe it just takes more time. Maybe I need more schooling yet. I don't know. I am not going to give up. I don't know if I am even capable of it. I suppose that's why I have a white whale tattooed on my forearm.

Distractions

Distractions are great, but 

our problems are greater.

We attempt to escape from 

them, but they are right 

around the corner, always 

on our scent, on our trail, 

just waiting for an  opportunity 

to pounce on us and 

bring us down, begging.

We attempt to make ourselves 

oblivious. We care about things 

just so they will mentally lift us 

out of harm's way--even though 

it is only in our minds and our 

problems are still ever present, 

haunting us, giving us that

 tightening in our chests. 

We are out of breath, lost in 

romances of endless races 

and places that are as they 

seem on the surface.

Maybe if we follow far enough

 into these fantasies we will 

finally escape, but we haven't yet. 

Maybe we just have to keep 

trying, to keep pushing,  to keep 

moving forward, but it is all more 

in our heads that we realize.

Society, culture, religion... It is all 

there to fill our time while we are 

on this dusty rock--whatever 

it is, whoever we are.

Maybe these things aren't 

distractions, after all. 

Maybe they are lenses 

from which we view the world, 

and no one is any more 

right or wrong than any other. 

For as much as we are 

sure of, we are unsure. 

For as much as we 

know, we don't know. 

Can it ever be 

other than that?

White Noise, Propaganda, and Complacency

Increasingly, the more I watch TV, the more I surf the net--as we used to say in the 90's (does anyone say that anymore?)--the more frustrated I get with our culture.  People, myself included, are so easily distracted by inane nonsense, but, I suppose, to a certain degree, we can't help it, because it is designed to distract us from what is going on right in front of our faces.  

I know I am probably a crazy person with tinfoil on my head rambling my crazy paranoid theories about the world, but I really don't think that I am that crazy or paranoid.  While it might not count for much anymore, I am highly educated.  I study language, ideas, and stories--how to analyze language, ideas, and stories, and while that might not get me a well-paying job, they are invaluable skills.  Especially in the everything goes, misinformation age.

These are skills that we all need to develop, to be able to discern  the genuine from the bullshit.  That's the real reason that college degrees have been turned into a commodity--why teachers and instructors are marginalized and paid unlivable wages.  

If people are really educated, then they will be able to see through the illusions.

Good ideas, facts, sound science, get lost in all the white noise that so easily distracts us.  We don't have telescreens, we have the Internet and television.  Instead of the "Two Minutes Hate", we have a nonstop, 24-hour barrage.  We are inundated with messages, most of which can be simplified to, "Look the other way."

It's time for people to wake up and stop following and start listening.  Stop looking the other way.  It's time to find what's real, which is mixed in with the noise that makes us so apathetic.  Stop being apathetic and start being conscientious.

As far as we know, without a doubt, we only have one life, and the only time you can take action is in the present.  Time doesn't stop, it doesn't slow down, and the more of it you waste, the less of it you have.  You can continue to go about your life, and pretend there is nothing wrong, or you can begin to face the truth.  What are you going to do?

The Long and Winding Ramble

One idea that keeps floating across my nerve center and making it's way to the conscious part of my mind has to do with experimenting as much as possible until I figure out what works for me as a writer and a publisher.  

The common sense of the status quo suggests that I should only publish one version of my book, because if I were to publish more than one version it would come across as indecisive and insecure. However, the mere fact that I consider these things out loud to the world makes it sort of impossible for me to go with what is the right-now accepted correct way: I am already working against doing things "properly."

Then again, I am really just doing it as a hobby and not for a living and that should allow me more leeway since I am not financially dependent on it.  When it comes down to it, really, I can fucking do what I want, how I want.  

I just have to get creative, and, I do believe I can venture to say that I have a large capacity for creativity and the experience of working with no budget.  That's just how I have had to live my life out of necessity.  I do believe this blog should be my primary thing, as it is something people can read regularly, for free.  

The books will be there, and if I can sufficiently impress people with my writing on this blog, people might be more inclined to purchase my books.  Therefore, I have write on this as regularly as possible.

When it comes to my next novel, I need to brainstorm it thoroughly from beginning to end and then limit myself to like two or three drafts, copyediting, and proofreading.  Any more than that and I will  start to over-think it and bastardize the original idea.  It too easily becomes something else. The best thing to do is to finish it, polish it, and then move on to the next one.  I spent far too much time on my first novel.

Although, I realize, spending too much time can also have it's benefits, especially if you are willing to break free of any artificial restraints and go against the current.  Since I have already done it with this one, why not experiment?

Once you are free, you are more willing to try things out and see what happens.  This is why I am going to also publish two other versions of my first novel.  Each version is distinct and I am not sure which is truly better.  

Maybe that does make me indecisive, but isn't that just a part of who I am?  Isn't it better to admit that and try to turn it into a good thing?  At least try and use it to my advantage and see what happens?

Do I have any reason to assume that any other way that I could do things is the way that I should do things and ultimately get more people interested in my writing?  Why not try out a variety of ideas and see what works?  

In my case, I believe the positives of publishing all three outweigh the negatives.  Hopefully, it will help me see what direction to take with the next project.

For now, I will watch The Twilight Zone, grade papers, finish Breakfast of Champions and watch SNL when it comes on.  There will likely be some music squeezed in there at some point, too.  As it is Saturday, it will likely be something along the lines of the J. Geils Band or Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels.  Then again, maybe it's more of a Beatles kind of night.

Realization of the Futility of a Dream (Part 1)

If you have a business and you don't have an online presence then you aren't going to go very far; this is pretty much universal knowledge by now.  And your online presence starts with a website with a domain name that everyone will identify as you, that will lead potential customers to you, where you can present your business to them and they can make an informed choice.  But this whole process isn't as easy as it seems like it should be --- even the most basic parts of it, such as the registration of your custom domain name. No, in spite of what the advertisements might say, the process of getting and keeping a domain name isn't as easy or straight-forward as the companies who register and control them want everyone to believe.  In fact, it is a complex process with a lot of nuances that if you don't follow closely you are setting yourself up for failure.

For instance, with Google, if when you first set  up your custom domain you didn't set your Google Apps account to auto renew your registration (i.e. they take the money out of your bank account automatically), and you let your account expire -- even if it is for legitimate reasons, such as temporary money issues -- then there is no quick and easy way to get your domain name back.  The company starts using your domain name for junk advertising -- in other words, it becomes wasted space -- and there is nothing you can do, unless you are willing to pay substantially more money to try and buy it back by back ordering it through a site like eNom or GoDaddy.  If you registered your domain with a company like eNom or GoDaddy through Google, and you had a free Google Apps account (from when they were free), you can't access your account to go back on and renew the domain name of your website or reset it to automatically renew. 

Not being able to renew the domain name (without paying a lot of extra money) that is associated with you is especially bad news if you are trying to get your business started and you are paying for everything with whatever spare money you can manage to put into it.  If you are a college student or are working another job to try and make ends meet while trying to set up your own business on the side, and you don't set your domain name to automatically renew because you don't know if you will be able to spare the extra money, and it expires, it will be devastating to your business.  Especially if you can't afford the cost of getting your domain name back when it finally does go up for auction.

People will try to find your website and the URL will instead take them to the junk space with your name attached to it and it will destroy any little credibility that you might have had.  And your business will be dead and you will have to start over from scratch, and any work that you might have put into it is all for nothing.  

The way domain names are registered and controlled by large corporations is a scam and only they really benefit.  People have dreams and those who work towards pursuing them have to overcome increasingly insurmountable obstacles to even catch a distant site of some distant valley which may or may not contain their goal.  The whole concept of the American Dream is a nightmare for most people.

And forget trying to get help from the companies.  They have made it next to impossible for anyone to receive anything even remotely resembling what most people would consider customer service.  The corporations do nothing but send people around in circles, until they are so dizzy and frustrated that the people give up and move on and leave behind those insignificant, unrealistic dreams.

The reality is that it is impossible to "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" (which is what most people are trying to do when they start a business). If you want to get ahead, you have to let some large, faceless corporation pull you up and shake you over a pot until every little penny in your pocket is gone, and then, and only then, maybe they will help you.   But only if they feel like it.

Living in the Decline

I agree 100% with this song.  Every time I hear it, blast it in my car, on repeat, sometimes for weeks on end, it makes me glad that I am not the only person who notices these things.

As other millennials my age will attest, we were raised to reach for the heights, to push harder, to strive farther, to be idealistic and do better for our society and our species and our planet.  But it's really fucking difficult when the generations who currently maintain power continue to fuck everything up, and will continue to fuck everything up to the point where there is no possible hope in fixing anything.

Thanks for leaving us a giant pile of shit.

Assholes.

I can only hope that I can teach the coming generations, and indeed those other folks in my own who aren't as fortunate as I have been, to think critically, question everything, and write what they think and feel in an effective manner, with evidence to support their arguments.

It's time that we empower each other, stand up against the violence, the hate, the unwillingness to cooperate and compromise and make our society and the world a safer, better place.  It's time to stop being complacent.  It's time to stop buying into the constant barrage of propaganda and bullshit and to stand up, like Howard Beale in Network, and shout: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

It is our civic responsibility to make things better, and not worse, and right now the people who are in power are failing miserably.

Too often people resort to violence in some misguided attempt to make this point, but in reality that only makes things worse, gives the misguided fools more power, because they are empowered through fear and ignorance.

It's time to stand up, thinking outside the box but yet with two feet firmly planted inside it, and let these charlatans know that they we aren't going to accept their greed and apathy any longer.

200 Posts/Get Your Green on and Whiskey Down Your Throat!

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Thank you to everyone who has been reading the past two+ years.  It really means a lot to me.  I wish I had more time to work on this, but I am proud that I have been able to be fairly consistent with it, even being a full-time grad student.

This has been an especially busy week, and, although I do have enough reading to keep me well occupied this weekend, I am also going to try to relax and have a little fun (and probably get a little, okay, so very, drunk at least one or two nights this weekend).

Maybe I will also get some guitar playing accomplished, maybe, start laying down a guitar track over a click-track and get the whole recording thing going that I plan on focusing on over Spring Break.  My goal is to write and record a song from scratch, everything, including the lyrics.  I am going to build it up from a guitar part, then I will probably tackle the drums, and so on...  Anyways, for now I am going to focus on the guitar parts.  I will probably do some double tracking and bounce it all on one track (since I only have a four-track and I have to be a little more creative about how I go about it.

I don't really feel like I need more technology at this point.  I am satisfied with what I have.  Maybe a few more effects, but even that is not necessary.  I do need to get my my keyboard back, or take a weekend and my recording equipment and go to one of my relatives who have an organ...  Actually, I might do that instead since it is a better fit for the music I am likely going to record.

I still have those three stories I am working on editing, although I am almost done with one of them.  The other two are longer and will take a little longer, but I am not going to rush it.  I do want to get them wrapped up and sent out to different markets.  With those and the other stories I have sent out, hopefully I will be able to build more of a readership of this blog, which will hopefully lead to future book sales (whether I self publish or go through a publisher).

 I have compiled twelve short stories (versions of which have previously been published on this blog, except for one, actually), with which I am looking to test the self-publishing market.  The collection, titled Tales from the Fringes, I am looking at publishing through Create Space so I can publish both in print and in e-book format, and I don't have to put a lot of money into it (since, as I understand it, they keep the template for my book and print it per order.  I don't technically have to put any money into it...as far as I can see.  However, I will  what I can within reason).

Now it is a matter of researching self-publishing and book design.  I want it to look professional.  If it doesn't look like it could have been published by a legitimate publisher, then it defeats the point.  It seems like that is the problem with a lot of self-published books: they are an inferior product.  I am not looking to self-publish as a last resort as much as an alternative option to traditional publishing.  This is why I am putting together something with which I can use to test the market.

This means I will like take down the fiction page -- at least until I have some different stories to post on it.  The stories in the compilation will be edited for writing quality and proofread for typos and grammatical errors.  They will hopefully be improved versions of the stories.

This is all in anticipation of my novel, which I am still waiting to hear back about and will likely focus on over the summer as I write my second (and possibly third -- since it has already been brainstormed and actually already exists in the form of a screen play.  The screenplay itself is only like 30 pages, but, with the amount of detail I am adding, it will be over 50,000 words, or so I have calculated).  I have a fourth book idea too, but I am not that crazy.  That I will save for the following year.  Actually I have a great back file of ideas and possibilities.

Anyways, it's that time of year, whether you're Irish (or, as in my case, only part Irish), or even not Irish at all, to get out the Jameson, Bailey's, Guiness, etc. and get fucked up while listening to The Pogues (Yeah, that's right, Flogging Molly and the Dropkick Murphys ain't got shit on the Pogues)!







Happy St. Patty's weekend!