Some [Surprisingly Positive] End of the Semester Thoughts on Being a Teacher

This semester is nearly over. It's not over yet, but it almost is over, and almost is...Well, let's just say I have had a lot of experience with almosts lately, and almost is... Well, it's much better than some of the alternatives.

Teaching five classes has been a lot of work. Undeniably. There have been times I have wanted to give up, thought I couldn't do it even a second longer, wanted to be doing anything else but this. But I have continued pushing myself. I have continued working, and in spite of my self-doubt, my struggles with myself, I have almost made it to the end. I just have to keep working, and soon enough it will be all over.

With 98.5, Mr. Classic and the Saturday Night House Party, on the radio, I am pushing forward. This station has provided my soundtrack as I have sat here, in my office, for days, pouring over my students' work, trying to be fair, trying not to get frustrated, trying to give them honest, constructive criticism--feedback that they will hopefully use to become better writers. I can only hope that some of them will take it. I know some of them have over the semester, and I hope, eventually, those that haven't will see that I am not just pulling stuff out of my ass to fill their time, that I am actually attempting to do something meaningful, and give them advice that they will actually use in their lives, if not sooner than later.

It is now, when I should be most stressed out, most frustrated, most ready to give up and never think about it again, that I am feeling something that I am not sure that I ever expected to feel. It didn't come easily, and I have indeed been stressed out, frustrated, and depressed, but maybe this is what I should be doing. Maybe I am on the right career path, but maybe I just need to figure out a way to make it work for me. Maybe this profession is what I am meant to do for a living. Maybe this is how I should focus my job search.

If you have been following this blog, you know that I have been trying to find a full-time job. It has been a frustrating process, and, increasingly, I have started to think that I am not qualified for anything--even though I have had some responses, and have been on a few interviews. I know this is a part of the process, but that doesn't make it any easier. My bills aren't getting any smaller, and I am not getting any younger.

I have come so far and worked so hard that I owe it to myself to keep trying and keep pushing, but maybe I need to change my focus, which I have done, but maybe I have not changed it to the right focus yet. At first, I focused on writing jobs, then I focused on recruiting jobs, then I refocused on writing jobs, and lately I have been focused on whatever seems remotely close. Nothing has really worked out for me, even though I have been close. But, when searching for a job, being close is just as disappointing, maybe more-so, than not being close at all.

It's not that I haven't thought about teaching professionally. For a long time, I didn't believe in myself, that I was a good teacher. Now that is changing, now I realize that I can make a meaningful impact, and that I can do this. I just need to keep working at it, keeping building my skills, keep perfecting my approach, keep seeking a higher level of professionalism and dedication.

Maybe I won't ever make it rich, but that is doubtful anyways. I just need to make enough to pay my bills, and save a little, and with a full-time teaching position I could do just that.

As a teacher, I might get stressed at times, I might feel overworked at times, I might not always like the schedule, but at least I will be able to sleep at night knowing that I am doing something where I can actually directly participate in helping to make the world a better place.

Perhaps not all teachers do that, but some do, and I want to be one of those. I look out at society and the way people communicate, and I can see how I can make an impact. Maybe I won't reach everybody, but if I try, I can reach those that are reachable, and even reaching one person is making a difference. You never know who that one person could turn out to be, or how they could impact our world and make it a better place.

If teaching five classes at three different schools and barely making enough money to make ends meet in one semester hasn't killed my spirit, I don't know what could. Maybe I am delusional, or maybe, just maybe, I am truly cut out for this job. The world does need more good teachers, people who want to teach and want to make a difference through their teaching and not just get a paycheck, and I feel up to the challenge. I am already in the midst of it. What I need to do now is make the best of it.

A Rant

Why does it have to be so hard to find full-time employment? It would be one thing if I didn't have any prospects, but, the fact is, I have had some interest, have gone on some interviews, and still... Nothing. It's hard not to take it personally.

It's really difficult to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" when you are working hard and trying to make the right decisions and are still falling short somehow. It's hard to have faith in something that seems less and less likely as time progresses. It's hard to continue working hard when it just seems to be taking me back to the same place, over and over and over again. 

Am I just stuck being a mediocre teacher working part-time at three different schools just to barely make ends meet? Am I just always going to be poor and never able to pay all of my bills, save up any money, and purchase a house? 

I know I have probably said this before, but I believe it now more than ever: the American Dream is a lie; it always has been, and it always will be as long as the powers that be remain the same. When you are born into poverty, no matter how hard you work, only the outliers and the extremely lucky make it, and the rest of us will continue drowning, no matter what.

One can only be crushed by disappointment and shame so many times and keep going. One can only be rejected so many times before he just says "fuck it" and walks away.

A Somewhat Boring Post, but I am Old and Boring Now

Teaching five sections of English Comp is a challenge. I am constantly on my toes to keep up with my lesson planning and grading, but it is kinda fun, and certainly better than working in a restaurant--even if the pay isn't substantially better. It keeps me busy, anyways. I am still looking for full-time work, and if I have to leave in the middle of the semester then, well... I am not looking to do so, necessarily, but if it happens, it happens.

As a professor in the English department of one of my schools recently told me, I owe the schools my professionalism (which I give them), but not my loyalty (even though it is in my nature to be loyal), because I am only an adjunct, it doesn't pay well, and there are no benefits.

Besides, I would rather write than talk about writing for a living, and teaching writing doesn't leave me much time to do any writing--although, I do try to sneak it in when I am able. When I do get the opportunity, I primarily write flash fiction, since I can usually write a whole story in one sitting (although I do come back and polish them before I send them anywhere). I have sent a few out to publications, and I plan to send out more as I find more places to send them. It probably won't lead to wealth and fame, but I am hoping that by getting some stuff published it will help increase my job prospects. Every little bit helps.

It is ironic that, even after having gone back to school and finally gotten my bachelor's degree, and my master's, I am still very much in the same position as I was before I did these things, which were supposed to put me in a good position to find a better job. I suppose it could be worse, at least I have made it out of fast foot/retail sales, and I guess my future prospects are better, but it doesn't seem like it right now since I am still struggling to make ends meet.

On the radio they were saying that Akron, Ohio has the worst job-growth rate in the country, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that I am having trouble--although, I am increasingly looking elsewhere for employment.

The important thing is that I don't give up. The only way anything is going to change is if I keep trying and keep reaching towards the future--keep doing things to increase my opportunities and hopefully improve my quality of life. Maybe I won't succeed, maybe I won't ever make it out of this rut, but, you know, at least I tried.

Thinking Can Be Dangerous, But It's Usually Not, and Actually Sometimes Quite Productive, But Not Always, And That's Okay

It occurred to me as I was watching Letterman. He had nothing to do it, it was just what was on the boob tube. I have been watching Lost on Netflix but the storm fucked it up on my Wii and haven't been able to connect. It's not the internet, so I don't know. Anyways, I was thinking, as I have a tendency to do, on occasion, and it occurred to me that I wrote the rough draft of my first novel when I was living in Chicago, when I was working like 50-60 hours a week, so why can't I write the first draft of my second novel when I am working about the same amount of hours, especially since this one has been meticulously planned out already? I believe I can balance teaching and writing, and do both successfully. I will always be busy, but then again, I am always busy, have always been always busy, will always be always busy, always. It's just how I function. I have never been very good at sitting around and not doing anything. Even when I am sitting around, doing nothing, I am actually probably also doing something. Perhaps, I will get one of these two jobs for which I am in the early stages of interviewing, and I will not have to worry about teaching and writing--although instead I will be writing and writing, but it will be different, because my work writing will only help my hobby writing, which will only help my work writing, because I will always be sharpening the tool. Of course, I will also be writing flash fiction and short stories, in addition to my novel, but if I ever want to get good at writing novels, I am going to have to continue doing it on a regular basis. Perhaps I will never make a job of it, but, maybe someday I will. It's not going to happen overnight, and it's not going to happen without effort, but it can happen if I keep putting effort to it, it is not guaranteed to happen, but it can happen because it is a possibility, because I am working towards it, and attempting to learn from my mistakes and grow, and get better as I continue to do it. Anyways, it's time to stop being a student and to start being productive and making money and also putting effort into what I truly want to do. It's time to find a career where I can be successful so I can support my wife and myself, pay our bills, buy a new car, pay off our debt, buy a house... You know, all of that adult crap that every tries to do sooner or later, and I aim to do it more sooner than later. It will be nice to reach a point in my life where I can pursue my hobbies and not feel guilty about it because I don't have something else I should be reading or writing. I guess it has not fully struck me that I am no longer a student, that I am moving on to a new stage of my life, where school might still be a big part of my life, but not as a student. In a way, I am still learning and studying, but it is not the same, because I already have some expertise at the subject, and I have some experience at teaching, and I just need to building my confidence and further develop my ability to communicate these ideas in ways that will reach the students who want to be reached. I am not looking to teach forever--at least not working three part time jobs just to make ends meet--and I am hoping to get one of these two other jobs, but if I do end up teaching full time, I would not be upset about it. Ultimately, I think, it comes down to the fact that where ever I work, it will be my life as much as it has to be, but it won't be my entire life, because I have so much else. I have worked hard to work less but do more and have it be more appreciated by the people who are affected by what I do.