Friday, March 1, 2013

Going Gonzo

I think, since I got all the official bullshit out of the way I can finally focus on my classes, my job, my writing, my thesis.  My THESIS.  Holy shit.

I really need to figure that out.  I suppose that's where this helps.  Sometimes I do my best brainstorming on here when I am just rattling off.

I think I've used a similar description as this, but it's like masturbating in public with words.

I think that's the kind of tone I need to bring to my thesis.  I won't.  I don't want them to figure out that I'm insane.  No.  I want that to be surprising later when they read my book.  Or not.  I don't know.  isn't there a saying out there that it's when you stop thinking your insane is that's when the problem starts.  Then you become delusional and your life is over.

I like to use colorful language because it really sets off the black and whiteness of my blog.  Is that synesthesia?  It's the hint of city light at the top.  That's how life in Akron is, although it was worse in Chicago.  A night in the city has an orange tint.  It's like looking up into the night sky and reading the stars?

What if I do something cool and fun for my thesis, like The Catcher in the Rye.  I feel like I fit in that genre. My book is definitely "Coming of Age", if that can be considered an official genre.  I feel like it definitely could be.  I don't know.  I have never really cared as much about that.  For me it is just fiction.  Or literature.  

I sometimes say satire.  Past that, I don't know.  Dark humor?  Dark romanticist?  Neo-modern?  Is that even a real genre?  That's where I get confused about.  Those are more just styles.  A text can conceivably have a little bit of all of these elements because they all comment on one another and themselves.

It's like a web.

And I want to be the fly that is caught on that web and the web somehow connects itself to my nervous system and I become a part of it.

That's what happens.  It's like how my hobbies are melding into my career, slowly, carefully.  It's like a good chili.  The longer you let it sit -- for a certain period of time, anyway -- but the closer to where it's spoiled the better it is.  That's when the flavor reaches it's peak.

I'm getting there.  I am just focused on getting my master's degree.  I still have a ways to go before I reach my peak, if I don't crack under the pressure.

I just saw a Lucky Charms commercial.  It was, "Magically delicious!"

I can't believe that I am watching The View right now.  I guess I just got distracted by the shiny electronic object in front of me.

No, I think I just get off on the sound of my inner monologue when I am writing this.

It's really a perverse hobby.

Just ask Melville.

That guy has permanently warped my mind.

I want to have a job where I can use my creativity to constantly keep my audience stimulated.  I will just have a PhD and teaching it to 20 minds at a time.  And, of those 20, who will actually get it or care enough to let it effect them in a mature and lasting way.

That's asking a lot of 18 and 19 year-olds.  I think I kind of fucked it all up when I was that age.

I think most people do to some degree.  It's how you recover from the self-loathing that determines the rest of your life.  At some point you just have to stop and realize that you can either let it get to you and hold you back and create barriers in your life or you can use it as fuel for the future.  Lessons that will not sink in except for through experience.

I don't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself.  No one should.  It's a crime.  Your life is as good or bad as you make it in your mind.  Maybe that's just the stoicism in me.  Whatever happens, happens.  It's all the same.  That's at least what you have to tell yourself.  That's what you show on your trembling exterior.

Really you care more than anything about this gurgling blackness crawling to get out from inside you.  But then you find peace through happiness, and, one morning, you wake up and it has dissipated.  It was all just a figment of your imagination.

Then you learn to be happy.

That to me, is real success.

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