Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Out in the Garage vs. The Millennial, the Final Round

"In this corner, with 52,441 words and 196 pages, the former heavy-weight champion of the world, the toned-down, character-focused, story-focused, literary version of my first novel, six years in the making -- a version of the version I entered in the Amazon contest and is the culmination of all of my education, life experience, and the advice I have been given as a writer by other writers who have read it -- we have Out in the Garage!"

Out in the Garage raises it's arms and the crowd shoots to its feet and screams and cheers.

"In the other corner, we have the current defender, with 57,755 words and 191 pages, which based on a past edition of the novel that has driven me nearly mad over the last six years, the edition before I let anyone else read it, the edition the snarls and growls and throws it's middle finger high in the air, shouting profanity and bragging about how it had sex with Out in the Garage's mother, the version that defies all advice, the version that shows it's genitals to anyone who is looking and shit's on the doorstep of every convent and church it comes across, the version that makes other versions laugh nervous and cry at night, the one, the only...  The Millennial!"

The Millennial poops in his hand and throws it on an old lady; the crowd boos and throws garbage.  The Millennial picks up a half eaten hot dog, holds it to its crotch, and then takes a bite, and throws the rest at the manuscript across the ring, hitting Out in the Garage in the face.

"Okay," the referee says as the manuscripts move to the center ring.  "No biting, hitting below the belt, using body fluids as weapons, and absolutely no Shakespeare quotes!"

"Fuck Shakespeare!"


"Okay," the referee says, "Now shake hands...  Now let's get it on!"


The Millennial whips out its penis and immediately charges towards the other manuscript, which moves out of the way at the last moment, holding it's foot out and tripping up The Millennial, which flies out of the ring and straight into a paper shredder, who is its trainer.  The Millennial is immediately shredded to death.

"Okay, that was quick, but we have a winner!"  The referee raises Out in the Garage's hand and
the crowd cheers and immediately begins to file out of the arena.

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